Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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