Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
