And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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