my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
