the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
