Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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