We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
