This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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