he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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