just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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