every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
