The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
