my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
