Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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