Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
