2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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