true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
