Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
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