idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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