I smell stomach acid.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
