Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
