Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
