you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It's shark week go big or go home
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
