Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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