i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Michael Bay diarrhea
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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