i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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