it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
