I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize