So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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