Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
