Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
