I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
