I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
