Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
