5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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