jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize