had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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