Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
