hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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