I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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