You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
