And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
