I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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