It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
