WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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