I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
