the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
