not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize