my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
