I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
