party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
