feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
