Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
