oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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