it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
