I wish my penis had an off switch
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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