The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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