Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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