stop calling my apartment porn island.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
