Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
