The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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