Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
