Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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