These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
