I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize